I have a story to tell.
I’ve been sitting on it for a while now, and though I’ve alluded to it, I’ve never been quite sure how to tell it…. and more importantly IF (you’ll understand why when it’s over) But here goes!
Late last fall, I was all about the dating apps. Tinder, Hinge, Bumble… and I was chatting with a number of different guys (spoiler: Coach was one of them). So naturally, I was also going out with a number of different guys – or at least, trying to.
At the time, I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, and while I was open to the idea of just a hookup, I’m not really into one night stands. What I wanted was basically a guy I could hang out with and have sex with without things being weird. It would be a major plus if he was down to binge watch true crime shows too.
Shockingly, that proved impossible to find.
There was one guy who from the beginning told me he was looking for a wife (who the hell does that?!) There was another who had a kid, and ended up straight up not showing up when we were supposed to meet up (and then had the nerve to text me a day later saying his car broke down #hokay). And then there was this guy who seemed great! He was playful, forward, confident, and driven… Or so it seemed from his profile and our messages and texts – which were quite frequent. So I agreed to go out with him.
It was early December. The day before our date, he texted me and said he needed to tell me something. I remember being in my office at work thinking “shit”. He said it might be a turn off. I told him I was all ears. After what felt like the longest time, he responded with…
“I smoke pot”
I just laughed, sent an emoji, and said “who doesn’t?” We went out the next day. I met him for dinner at a steakhouse nearby.
When I arrived, he was sitting at the bar. He kissed my cheek. We were seated. He told the waiter we both wanted to do the buffet, and we went and filled our plates. When I sat down again, that’s when things took a turn. Except, I didn’t know it… and didn’t really realize until the next day. You’d think I would’ve noticed the red flags and deal breakers earlier…
He complimented me on my outfit and told me I looked better in person than in my profile pictures. That’s a compliment, right? But then he went on to tell me that I hold myself and present myself in a way that women do only when they’ve been told they’re pretty all their lives…
In the moment, I let that slide. Just like I let slide what came next – when he for some reason thought it would be a good idea to compare himself to a snake and where he lives and grew up to a swamp. I told him people come from all different places and have different experiences and that’s the great thing about meeting new people and then I changed the topic.
I don’t really know what we talked about for the rest of the date, but it went well enough. Plus, he was handsome. But when he asked if I wanted to share an uber, I politely passed – saying I had more plans that night and would take my own uber. He made a comment about me being a lady and that he hoped we’d go on a second date. I said we would.
Outside the restaurant, I wanted him to kiss me. I thought it seemed like he wanted to kiss me… and first kisses are awkward. Always. But for some reason the “lady” comment got me, and we hugged. And though before we hugged, I held his gaze and willed for it to happen, my ride arrived I turned away to leave.
He called me out on it. He said “it seemed like you were going to kiss me”… I told him I was, but that I thought he would think it was unladylike (also… who tf was I last fall?!) He didn’t really wait for me to finish before kissing me. My uber was waiting yet we had a mini make out session outside #classyJenn (but wasn’t the first time I’ve made an uber wait for that reason… and won’t be the last.
Later That Night
When I got home, he texted me. He said something about having a good time. I told him I did too. That’s when things started getting weird… well that’s when I started to notice.
He told me again that I looked great that night. I thanked him and joked that he probably tells all the girls that. He responded with “I only talk to one girl at a time”…
I joked that I had to change my profile pictures to better ones. He said he’d rather I not so he can keep me all to himself…
Andddd then he told me, “don’t ever hold back a kiss from me, and don’t ever kiss me like that.” I remember standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth and all I could think was “ummmmmm k”. I told him I was going to bed.
The Crazy Train
So the next day, I was feeling pretty uneasy. I started thinking about the things he texted me the night before, and thinking much more about the things he said while we were on our date. If it’s possible to have a degree in only giving backhanded, semi-insulting compliments… this guy had one.
We texted a bit back and forth while I was at work. I kept things as light as I could.
At some point during the day he told me that he thought he was balding. As if smoking pot is a turn off and balding isn’t… then he tells me he has other things going for him. Because I’m a fucking moron, I said “like what?”
The list went on and on. It started kind of okay…
- He works on himself daily
- He can do anything in half the time of a normal person
And then took a bit of a turn…
- He looks better naked than most people would imagine
- He has no ego
I was on the train home at this point and was a bit confused. How could someone tell me they don’t have an ego immediately after saying that they are attractive naked? My mom called me and I answered the phone. The texts continued.
- He can go more than a week without eating
And this is what got me (I’ll never be able to understand how people can forget to eat). I took a screenshot. I asked him why he would go days without eating. I continued talking to my mom on the phone. I sent the screenshot to my best friend… Wait! Shit. NOPE! I sent the screenshot back to the guy. “Fuck!” was all I could manage before quickly putting my phone in airplane mode.
Unfortunately the text still went though. All I had accomplished was freaking my mom out enough that she called my sister to make sure I was okay.
The guy sent back a bunch of laughing emojis. I explained to him that I meant to send the screenshot to my best friend who had asked what he and I were talking about. Technically, that wasn’t a lie. Of course things only got worse.
“Wait, there’s more!” he said and continued.
- He harnesses energy
- He doens’t cum
- He never feels embarrassed
- He stopped giving a fuck about opinions in October
I felt bad. But I was also 300% freaked out. The texts had come in rapid speed and one at a time like thought bursts – word vomit. He said he could prove any of the things he told me at any time. I told him it was a lot to process and that I needed some time. We both knew that was it.
But that’s when I decided that I would never ghost anyone again. I had messed up sending a screenshot back to him… and while he wasn’t someone I wanted to be around ever again, I could at least let him know we would not be going out again. I texted him the next morning – a “breakup text”. I told him that while it was nice to meet him, I didn’t want this in a relationship – romantic or otherwise – and told him I was more of a Beyonce, and that I hoped he found his Kim. Did I mention he fancied himself an apprentice of sorts of Kanye’s?
He responded with a bunch of crying emojis but said he respected it and wished me luck too… And then five minutes later he sent me a voice memo that was basically gibberish going on about how we were supposed to go on another date, and asking why was I breaking up with him.
I didn’t respond.
Despite my beliefs on when it’s time to delete a number, I kept him in my contacts for a bit. Honestly, his manic behavior freaked me out and I was so grateful he didn’t know where I live. I knew he would pop up again and I want to know not to respond. I wasn’t wrong. He texted me in April saying he still had our text saved and that my rejection is his favorite. He kind of apologized for his behavior and then he sent me a link to a video teaser for his new album. Inspired by Kanye.
Interestingly enough, the night this happened, I was supposed to meet Coach. I told him I wasn’t feeling well… which was true thanks to the craziness. And on our first date two days later, I told him about this guy. And told him again when I got the texts in April. He told me I should probably get pepper spray. And while he might have a point, I’m going to hope that this guy is happy, and that his album did well. After all, he’s a person. And we all make mistakes #screenshotmistakes… but then again, sometimes screenshots are good – and help you write a blog post over six months later.
Annnd that’s the end of my story. Thanks for letting me finish even though Beyonce had one of the best music videos of all time…