A classic song. From a classic movie (Heath Ledger, may you Rest In Peace). So what the movie version is a remake… It’s classic and it’s simple. So simple, but oh so very hard to express sometimes.
Expressing what you want, and even more… what you need, can be the hardest part of dating. And not being able to communicate those wants and needs can mean the end of the relationship (or situationship) that you’re in.
Why are you thinking about such depressing psycho analysis sort of things, Jenn? Well, it’s funny you should ask…
Another Awkward Night
This past weekend Coach and I had another awkward night. Yes, another.
Long story, short: I basically booty called him (even though I shouldn’t have) and when he arrived and things didn’t go as I wanted them to, I straight up asked him:
“Why are you here?”
I have so much tact.
In my defense, that night, and actually for some time before then, when we’d spend time together, I wasn’t feeling like he actually wanted to be there. With me. Or, really… I wasn’t feeling like he wanted to be with me anymore. And it was making me wonder if I even wanted to be with him.
A lot of this doubt came from the fact that I wasn’t feeling like we were having fun together. We’d developed a routine – food, hang out, sex, sleep – and ultimately we’d fallen into a rut. I was bored. And I was feeling like he was bored.
I kept thinking about what he had said during our first DTR conversation…
“I don’t want us to get too comfortable.”
And was starting to wonder… were we getting too comfortable? With each other? With the relationship? Was it time to call a time of death?
So Saturday night wasn’t good. Not the booty call. Not the conversation (or was it an argument?). And definitely not me asking him why he was there. What was even worse though was that he didn’t have an answer. I turned over to go to bed, and within minutes he got up and told me he was leaving.
I was relieved.
I had wanted to ask him to go. Honestly, I had almost told him to leave… that I didn’t want this anymore and that we should stop seeing each other. But some part of me was aware that the state of mind I was in was not one that was good for making decisions.
So I walked him out and we hugged. He said we could talk later.
What Did I Want?
The next day, Sunday, I spent most of the day thinking about the previous night. I even ran the 5k and thought about everything that had gone down. I was pissed off. I was annoyed. With him.
He had been dramatic about some things that I won’t go into. He had been on his phone most of the time he was there. On Instagram! He’d basically come over just to spend time with his social network. He could do that at his own place.
I still sent him a text Sunday night to check in. Something like
“Hey, how was your Sunday?”
I didn’t want things to be weird. We had some basic back and forth before I went to bed with my last text not getting a response.
Monday I was in a shit mood. I knew he wasn’t the only one to blame. I felt bad and we needed to talk. I asked him what his week looked like. I suggested a weekend trip to my family’s beach cottage… maybe a little more out of guilt and desperation than anything else.
He said he would be down for a trip but gave me little else to work with. I knew I had to talk to him in person before the weekend and address what had happened. I suggested we get together on Wednesday. He said he would let me know.
For the rest of the day I spent a lot of time thinking about Saturday. But instead of being frustrated and annoyed with him, I became increasing frustrated and annoyed with myself.
I realized that I had wanted something more from Saturday night. And maybe I even wanted something more from him. By more, I mean at least knowing that he was still interested in me and the relationship. If in fact he was, I needed him to show more interest. To initiate dates more. I wanted him to want me. To want to be with me. And more than anything, I wanted – and needed – a little clarity on our relationship.
The more I thought about it, the more I accepted that I had not done a great job communicating my feelings on Saturday, and had not done even a mediocre job of telling him what I wanted. And I didn’t ask, or even think to ask, what he wanted.
That night before going to bed, I told him I was sorry and that I didn’t communicate very well two nights earlier.
He didn’t respond.
Of course, that made me more frustrated. Have I mentioned my irrational (?) fear of being ghosted by Coach… despite it almost being six months…?!
He sent me a text on Wednesday morning saying he was free after 8 that night. #Great
We got together Wednesday night to go bowling. We didn’t end up bowling because the place had a private party until 11 but the signs only said until 10… needless to say, I was not amused by the lady who told me 11.
After we met up and walked around a bit and got bubble tea to kill time, I finally brought it up. I could sense that he was anticipating the conversation and basically our small talk before that point was a little uncomfortable. Even though I tried my best to act normal and have more than small talk conversations.
Anyways, when I finally said,
“So about the other night…”
I knew I had to keep talking until I said everything I needed to say.
I told him I was sorry about my behavior and for asking him why he was there. I didn’t mean to make him feel unwanted. I explained that I felt unwanted, and as of late haven’t felt like he’s been interested in me or the relationship. I told him that if he still is then that’s great, but if he’s not, to let me know and that’s fine too. In so many more words that I probably needed to say (my MO when having a difficult conversation is simply word vomit), I told him that I want him to want me.
When I was finally done talking, he just looked at me and asked if I was done talking. At which point he talked… he made no mention of not wanting to be with me, and he agreed that some things between us needed to change. The routine needs to change.
So we’re going to Maine today. To my family’s beach cottage. And yes, he’s going to meet my parents. I’m not stressed out at all about it… or anything.
This doesn’t mean we’re exclusive or he’s my boyfriend… which previously had been a requirement before parental introductions.
I had to call my stepdad the other day to ask if he would be comfortable with Coach and I sleeping in the same bedroom. You know what wasn’t comfortable?… that conversation. But in the end he said it was okay. Which I know will make Coach a bit more comfortable.
Speaking of being comfortable or “too comfortable”… I don’t think this trip is going to change much. It’s not a solution to the problem, but it’s breaking out of the routine. And hopefully will encourage us to do more that breaks the routine. No matter what, we’re definitely both going to have to put in more effort when it comes to communicating our wants and our needs.
So for now, I’m in the clear. My inability to communicate what I want has not ended my situationship. And I’m working on it… but sometimes I find it a little weird to be putting this much effort into something that might not go anywhere… but I guess after nearly 6 months, it must be going somewhere, right? I think I want it to go somewhere…
But what I know for sure, is that whoever I end up with… it it’s Coach or someone else… I want them to want me.