Okay so I’m not about to sing you TLC’s No Scrubs. And despite my love for Destiny’s Child, Bills Bills Bills has never been my anthem. I know the title makes it sound a bit like every man needs an expensive car, a high paying job and a fancy house… but that’s not it. I promise. I meannnn I am the girl who almost went home with a 21 year old stand up comedian from some random small town in NH who I met drunk at a tourist bar on Saint Patrick’s Day! My standards, as I’m sure you’ve come to realize, are not that high.
Anyways, there are a few things I’ve come to realize are necessities when it comes to assessing the datability of a guy…
Have I ever told y’all about the guy I was kind of seeing last summer? French Toast? The one that ended with a passive aggressive exchange of emojis?
This has to be sounding familiar…
Well, I was thinking about him a bit this weekend… and how if I had been smart, I would’ve seen the signs that the thing between us was destined to end as quickly as it started. See, the thing is, I’m a grown ass woman and he was not datable.
Sure that sounds a bit big headed, but let me tell you the story:
French Toast and I had gone out a few times and it wasn’t until our third date that I realized I was attracted to him and wanted him to make a move. Our first kiss was awkward, but once we passed that hurtle, date four or five (I don’t exactly remember) was pizza and hanging at his place to watch Netflix. Which meant we ate pizza, pretended to watch Master of None, and then had sex. A few times.
It was a weekday and I had told him I needed to be home by 10. So since I’d already been there for a few hours, when all was said and done, I grabbed a slice of pizza and ran out to my Uber. I was home by 9:30. I felt like a bamf! I got free pizza to go and got a good nights sleep in my own bed! What more could a girl want?!
Well, a few things, really. A few things that I hadn’t noticed were missing during that initial pizza fueled lust haze…
The second time I went to his place – also a weeknight – I noticed all the things I wanted that he didn’t have. Like the appropriate quantity and quality of linens.
He had one towel…
And one pillow…
And instead of a fitted sheet on his king sized bed, he had a queen size flat sheet and a full sized comforter.He also didn’t own hangers and all his clothes were folded on the shelves inside his otherwise empty closet.
I’m. Not. Joking.
I didn’t notice all of those things at once, but that night I had planned to stay over and just go into the city with him in the morning because we worked only a few blocks away from each other. We hung out a bit, showered, had sex, and went to bed.
When we showered I stupidly got my hair wet. He said that I could use the towel first. #thankssomuch Little did he know I usually need two towels just for myself!
When we went to go to bed he told me that I could use the pillow. I think I told him we could share it….which required us to sleep very close all night. Which would have been annoying but his body heat was probably the only reason I didn’t freeze barely covered by the full sized comforter.
Moral of the story is this:
- If a guy doesn’t own more than one towel… don’t date him.
- If a guy doesn’t own at least one fitted sheet, one flat sheet, and one comforter the same size as the bed he owns… don’t date him.
- If a guy doesn’t at least two pillows… don’t date him.
All of these are basics and there is no excuse not to have them!
I remember thinking,
how many more times to I have to go out with him before I can suggest a date to TJ Maxx?
I may have even asked my friend about it. But it wasn’t really my job. He needed to man up.
Lucky for me, that was the last time we saw each other.
I’ve actually talked to a few people about this… and it turns out, like Barney in that one episode if HIMYM, some guys do the minimalistic thing on purpose… so women don’t get too comfortable at their apartments.
All I will say about that is: Who wants to date a guy that does that?! Get over yourself, Chad! Not every girl wants to marry you! Oh, and salmon colored shorts and boat shoes are revolting.
Also, let’s just note that the chances that Chad washes his one towel, one pillow case, and flat sheet regularly are slim. So if you decide to sleep with him and use his towel, make sure you shower and use your own ASAP…