Sex. Something everyone does but no one really talks about. At least not in the way we should. Especially women.
If talking about it makes you uncomfortable (or you don’t want to hear about my sex life), now is the time to check out. You know who you are. Emergency exits are located in the front and back of the plane… remember the closest one might be behind you.
Okay back to sex.
This weekend my mother and I talked about it for the first time. In detail. And not hypothetically.
I’m turning 28 this year and aside from the occasional immaculate conception comment poking at my lack of activity in my youth and more recently me being pretty open about being on birth control, the topic never really came up. By the time my mom was my age, she was married and had two kids! I didn’t ask, but I highly doubt she and my grandma had talked about sex. It’s just not something we do. Especially with our mothers!
That should change.
I’m not saying I want to hear all the details of my mother’s sex life or want her to know all the details of mine! But the truth is, as women we learn a lot about sex from men.
We don’t even learn about it in health class – at least not in a way that really benefits us. It’s all about how babies are made, and because male ejaculation is a key factor in reproduction, we learn about that… but what about all the other stuff? Female orgasms? Or what feels good for us? Or even the basics of getting to know our bodies a little bit more?
A few years ago my grandma (dad’s mom) took my sister and I on a weeklong cruise. When I got back to school after the vacation, there was a long message from her in my Facebook inbox. In it she said that she had meant to talk to me and my sister about sex while we were on vacation. It went on to say to remember to be safe. I was mortified!
But I shouldn’t have been. As women we should encourage our friends, sisters, daughters, and granddaughters not to be so hush hush about sex. Share our experiences and advice – the good, the bad, and the ugly. If we don’t, how else will we have the confidence and know how to take control of our own bodies and our own sex lives?!
During a long walk on the beach this weekend, I confessed to my mom that I didn’t feel very comfortable being “on top” during sex. And as it’s something that Coach has expressed interest in me doing more – taking control – I needed an outside perspective. I was hesitant and a little embarrassed, but almost immediately she says:
Your generation is at a serious disadvantage without headboards.
I couldn’t believe it! #happymothersday
We talked about it in detail. She gave me pointers and even told me she’d show me some hip flexor stretches that would help to prevent leg cramps and increase range of motion. Have I mentioned my mom is an OG? If anyone needs advice on anything, I guarantee she has the answer.
Here are the three best pieces of advice she gave me about being on top…
1. No Man Complains about Grinding
One of the reasons I’m not comfortable being on top is because of the desired motion. Going up and down is hard. It requires a lot of support. And tbh, it doesn’t do much for me. I would rather grind back and forth. I told her this and she kind of just laughed and told me to stop being so concerned with what he wants. She said…
If you’re on top and confident, no man is going to complain about grinding.
(Quick sidebar back to what I said earlier about women learning about sex from men… where do men learn about sex? And why are they somehow qualified to tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing?)
2. Get Out of Your Head
For a lot of us, aside from the work that goes into being on top, we’re also self conscious about the way we look being on top. The desired up and down movement does not seem to result in a desirable visual. Who wants to see all the sagging and the jiggling? Not I, said the cat. Well guys don’t care. My mom rolled her eyes and said something about how if a guy is already having sex with you, that’s not going to change his mind.
More importantly, she said…
Get out of your head! The best sex is when you’re not thinking at all.
She might as well have said that she pities the fool who can’t get out of their own head. And I get what she’s saying! Personally, I don’t care what I look like during sex (I think I talked about this is Let’s Get Naked), but I do spend time thinking about what I’m doing or if I’m doing it right. Yesss I know there isn’t really a right and a wrong to sex, but I haven’t succeeded in getting out of my head yet!
3. Master the Maneuver
While all in all my mom agreed that being on top during sex is hard, she suggested that I do it for short periods of time every time and then simply change positions by maneuvering the guy on top. For some reason this idea was one I’d never thought of.
Maneuver him into other positions. Master the maneuvering method of changing from a undesirable position in a way that says “this isn’t working for me anymore” without saying “this isn’t working for me anymore”.
Since there’s no nice way to tell someone that they are over a position or it’s just not doing it for them, maneuvering avoids awkwardness and gets you into a position that is more desirable. Aka not being on top.
She said a lot of other stuff. Lots of advice. And she did end up showing me the hip stretches, which I’m going to have to do since I feel like I never stretch.
I’m grateful we could have the conversation and could be as open with each other as we were. She reminded me that I don’t have a lot of experience and I think that, along with how I feel about Coach and the way our situationship is going, made me want to become more comfortable. I mean, why not? I’ve become more confident with lots of things over the last three years, this can just be one of them.
My advice (or really my mom’s) on being on top ends there, but if you’re feeling the same way, know you’re not alone. And here are a few articles and blogs I’ve been perusing over the last few days that offer their own tips and tricks:
- This is how girl-on-top position is really supposed to work by Kelsey Patterson
- 5 Ways to make being on top so much hotter by Charyn Pfeuffer
- 9 Tips For Making Sex On Top Easier For The Pillow Princess by Gigi Engle
- 5 Ways to get the most out of being on top by Ester Crain (Cosmo)
- 6 Tips For Girl On Top, AKA The Sex Position For Grown-Ass Women by Vanessa Marin
And finally I think the one I enjoyed reading the most: