Confession: I have this irrational (?) fear that at some point Coach will ghost me. Even though another part of me thinks that after dating someone for five months (see Coach vs. Cat), the acceptable ghosting period has long passed. But hey, people have done worse!
For those of you living under a rock… or who are actual ghosts since if you don’t know what ghosting someone is, you must be dead… ghosting in the dating world is when you simply stop contacting the other person. We’re all guilty of being ghosts, and we’ve all been ghosted. While it sucks when it happens to you, being a ghost is basically second nature to most. It’s the easy way out, and typically even after a handful of dates, it’s not considered socially unacceptable. If I’ve been out with a guy over three times, I try my best not to ghost. Being straightforward is much more mature and appreciated.
So while for the most part things with Coach and I are going well, this week (following a slightly awkward conversation that made me realize we need to communicate better and both have to compromise sometimes) he’s been really distant. Not a good sign. But, again, after five months of dating, what’s my worry?
Well, it’s funny you ask! My worry is that this will end and that it will be sudden and he will just stop talking to me. AKA ghost me.
Let me explain: A while back, during our first DTR conversation, he said he didn’t want us to get too comfortable with each other. By this, he meant that he didn’t want us to be together just for the sake of not being alone. And in our second DTR conversation, we basically agreed that we’d only disclose another person one of us is dating if we’re ending things.
So the way I see it, our situationship will end in one of two ways.
- One of us decides we’re too comfortable and over being together
- One of will meet someone else and want to pursue that other person
And for some reason, I think if it’s #2, it’ll be me (see St. Patrick’s Day blog post). And if it’s #1, it’ll be him. And that he’ll just up and disappear.
Like I said, people have done worse.
So while I might be paranoid and irrational, but it got me thinking: Is there ever such thing as a friendly ghost? Especially after a longer period of time?
Quick answer is no. Obviously. None of us are Hilary Duff (or Christina Ricci depending on your movie preference)!
Despite how easy it makes our task of ending things with someone, it leaves that other person wondering what happened. Unfortunately we are all very self centered and insecure. So no matter how much they did or didn’t like you, somewhere deep down, they’re thinking “what did I do wrong?” or “was it me?” Even if on the outside they’re telling you to eff off.
And when you really get down to it, the real reason we think it’s okay to ghost a person is because we don’t see them as someone who deserves our time or energy. And maybe they’re not… but I’m going to guess that 90% of the time, we don’t know them enough to tell. And that says more about us than them. But being considerate is below us. So no big deal.
So, sure, ghosting someone is considered socially acceptable, but is there a point in dating when maybeee you should just bite the bullet and send the break up text?
If I can let the guy I went out with ONCE (who thought he was Kanye West) and accidentally sent a screenshot of his craziness back. to. him. that I just wasn’t feeling it, ANYONE can. (I promise I’ll tell that story soon, though I think he might know about this blog soooo). After one date we don’t really owe anyone anything. But what about three? Or ten? I mean, I’ve heard of people ghosting after months of casual dating. Obviously the key word here is casual… but still. #LETSBECONSIDERATE
Ghosting Rules I Now Live By:
- Don’t do it (unless it’s absolutely necessary)
- If ghosting is the only option – AKA you’ve already sent the break up text and the person just is not getting it – it’s fine
- Well, it’s fine if you’ve been out together 3 times or less
- Anything beyond 3 dates, the person deserves a quick “hey, it was great meeting you, but I don’t see this going anywhere, best of luck” text
- The only exception to this is a French Toast situation where he and I ended things by texting emojis… Yeah, once y’all are being passive aggressive assholes to each other via text, it’s not even worth it
I know people have different comfort levels around letting the other person they aren’t interested. It’s hard being straightforward. And chances are, you won’t get a response to the break up text. But that is okay! It’s like in Sweet Home Alabama – “She’s spoke her peace and that’s all there is to it”.
Also I need everyone to know that ghost was the word I got wrong in my third grade spelling bee