The Dreaded DTR

So it’s been nearly a week since my last post. I’ve been pretty busy wrapping up at work and getting ready for the new job. I also had friends visit last weekend and somehow had the most hectic social life I’ve had in a while. But even with that craziness, it’s not exactly why I haven’t posted anything this week. The real reason is that I was spending time with Coach. Between Sunday and Wednesday, we spent over 45 hours together. It was wonderful, but also it was a lot.

He came over on Sunday evening. We hadn’t seen each other for over a week – which was the longest we’d gone since the second weekend in January when we started actually hanging out again after the whole “too cold” thing. We quickly realized that more than a week was too long. We ended up grabbing dinner and then going to A4cade in Central Square. Since he coaches basketball (this is why I call him Coach), I’d been dying to get him to the arcade to see how good he was on the free throw game (he got 84 points, so I was impressed). On Monday morning after it became clear neither one of us had anywhere to be, I made breakfast and eventually we went out into the world to do things – laundry, lunch, bowling, dinner. We ended up spending all day together and throughout the day we talked about the future in a vague way that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around. At one point he said something about taking me to a Caribbean festival in the fall (fall is 7 months away!), and at another, we talked about going away for a weekend to go snowboarding. I was happy about both of these things, but it was a little overwhelming because I didn’t feel like I really knew what he was thinking or how he felt about us. Was there even really an “us”?

When he dropped me off at my apartment and drove away, I realized how much I had wanted him to come inside and stay over again. That in itself freaked me out a little, but more than anything: after 28 hours together and vague discussion of the future, I knew we had to have the talk soon. The dreaded DTR (define the relationship).

It was not something I wanted to do. Of course I like spending time with him. And I’m not dating anyone else. And I’m not sleeping with anyone else. But am I ready for him to be my boyfriend? Is that even what I want? Is that even what he wants? And also, a few weeks ago I kind of brought it up… well, he had asked if I was still on Tinder, I said kind of but my profile was hidden, and then I asked him if he was dating anyone else. He had said he’d gone out on dates since we met. I told him I had too, but that I had recently canceled a date because I would’ve rather spent time with him. I’d like to think I made myself pretty clear on where I stood. But we didn’t agree to be exclusive. We didn’t discuss next steps. We kind of just left it there. And I was fine with that. Then.

So despite the DTR dread, when I got a text from him on Tuesday night saying he wanted to sleep in my bed (it’s really comfortable), I was happy and told him to come over. But on Wednesday morning, I kind of forced the conversation. I wasn’t planning on it. I had the day off so he took the day off and we had unspoken plans to spend the day together. That morning when we were getting ready to go out and he asked me about snowboarding, I told him my mom had said we could come to New Hampshire, and he teased me and asked if I was telling her about him. I told him yes, because I like him (this was the second time I’d told him). After some hesitation and some slight (?) teasing/prying by me, he got serious and told me he likes me, too. I was glad to hear it, but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting more…

At that point I word vomited and asked him if he was dating anyone else (again). He told me he wasn’t but didn’t really have a response when I asked why he wasn’t. Was it because he doesn’t want to? Or just because he isn’t? I try really hard to be communicative and to share my feelings, because even though it makes us vulnerable, it also makes us strong. So I kept pushing the conversation forward. He didn’t seem to mind that much. There were uncomfortable moments, moments that were tear-filled, and moments when we needed a break. Eventually I think we got to a solid level of understanding.

Coach isn’t my boyfriend. But we spent the rest of the day together. I met a friend of his from college. We got lunch and walked around a cute town just outside of the city holding hands and talking about where we wanted to live in the future (gross, I know). And later that night, he took me to one of his favorite spots in the city (a park by the water) and showed me how to properly eat a mango.

I realize now that there is not one DTR conversation, but that it’s an open dialogue as the relationship grows. Obviously at some point we’ll have another one and maybe then we’ll agree to be exclusive, or that he’s my boyfriend. But for now, it’s too soon, too fast, too much. 45 hours was as much as I think we can handle for now.


6 thoughts on “The Dreaded DTR”

  1. As someone who is terrified of the DTR convo I’m pretty impressed you were able to just bring it up.
    The closest I have got is a “are you sleeping with anyone else” question which I hid behind concern for sexual health… I’m sexy like that!

    Liked by 1 person

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