Body, Boys

Let’s Get Naked!

When I was little my mom would take me with her when she went shopping. Clothing stores were the my favorite because back in the early 1990s all of the clothes were hung on circular racks…and I used to sneak off and hide inside them. Of course. While I may have gotten lost once or twice (sorry mom!), most of the time it wasn’t hard for my mom to find me… she just had to find the rack that looked like a clothing volcano. See, once I was inside the racks, I’d take off all my clothes and throw them out the top of the rack. Sometimes I’d try on the new clothes. Then I’d throw those out the top too. The rack that was spewing clothes was the one I was in. I’m sure the associated loved me.

But most of the time (I’m told) I just wanted to be naked.

When we’re young we’re not ashamed of our bodies. It is simply the skin-covered thing that we live inside. Our bodies let us run and jump and do cool things like climb trees and swing on the monkey bars. I remember one summer I learned to do them. I was so happy! And then something changed. At some point I lost that sense of fearlessness and adventure and began restricting what my body could do. Suddenly my body became something negative that I was trapped inside of. The lack of positivity continued and, like most girls, I became more concerned with what my body looked like and less with what it could do.

As part of my weight loss journey I decided to see what my body could do again. Running, yoga, swimming, hiking, etc. But I realized that getting past the fear of what my body could do was just one part of the issue. The other was getting past the fear of how my body looked. As I’ve said, it’s not just about the weight, but after years of being told to change, to cover up, to hide your curves, to drop a few pounds, the layers build up and it’s hard to get back to being comfortable with not just how your body looks, but actually looking at your body.

Before two years ago, I could not have told you a time when I had looked at myself in the mirror. Really looked. Once I started losing weight, I’d catch my reflection in a store window and think “is that really me?” I was actually surprised at my own reflection! Strangely, it was my face more than anything. Once I thought about this, I realized that before two years ago, I’d never even really looked at myself naked. Ever. I mean, how dare I look at my own naked body?! Put some clothes on, Jenn! Don’t be vain! But despite what we’re told (and despite female nipples not being allowed on social media), our bodies are not something to be ashamed of. Especially naked.

So I started to do it. Looking at myself in the mirror. Naked. To learn what I actually looked like. Of course I noticed changes… 40 lbs is a lot, but I noticed even at 20 lbs. I was proud of what I’d accomplished, but it wasn’t just that. I noticed freckles and beauty marks I’d unknowingly had for over 20 years (and secretly hoped no one would ever need to use them to identify my body in a serial killer situation). I noticed scars I’d forgotten about from when I had the chicken pox or when I fell on the playground. And of course, I noticed rolls and wrinkles and dimples and stretch marks that I’d had for as long as I could remember. But somehow now, I was not ashamed of them.

I started liking what I saw in the mirror.

Now, I’m not an advocate for seeking external approval, especially when it comes to your body… but I will admit that it didn’t hurt that I was getting into the dating scene and felt more attractive than I ever had before. Once I realized that the guy I was seeing at the time (French Toast) was all about my rolls and dimples, I knew that the body negativity was crazy and something I had to get away from. We care so much about how we look, but most of the time our appearance isn’t even for us.

Before French Toast and I slept together the first time, I shaved, exfoliated, moisturized, put make up on, etc. I even matched my bra and my underwear (I meant business). I wanted to look good. I wanted to be attractive. Afterwards, he put his clothes back on and I remember thinking that I should put my clothes back on too. And then I thought to myself, “Why? He literally just had sex with me. I was naked. If he’s cool with my body, why aren’t I?” I did not put my clothes back on. And now I rarely do.

I’ve talked a lot with my friends about this need to be clothed. Especially after sex. And while I understand that it’s something most people do, I’d like to point out that it’s just another sign that we’re taught to hide and be ashamed of our bodies. Friendly reminder that the person you slept with just slept with you. And unless there’s a sex position that I’ve never heard of that allows for your partner to see you at the exact same angle as the perfect selfie you posted to your Snapchat story… they know what you look like. Good, bad, and ugly.

So let’s get naked! I’d like to challenge you to do two things:

  1. Check yourself out in the mirror. Naked. What’s the worst that could happen? (No your mirror will not crack). #WhosTheFairestofThemAll #YouAre
  2. Don’t get dressed after sex. Stay naked. If you’re cold, blankets exist on a bed for a reason. If you’re not in a bed… cool, but beds are super comfortable so find a bed. You’ll thank me after the nap.

See how you feel. See what happens. I’d like to bet that after the first few times that will definitely be slightly awkward, you’ll enjoy it and you’ll appreciate the skin-covered thing you live in a little more. Maybe you’ll realize that being naked is freeing and there’s a reason we’re all born without clothes on. How weird would that be if we weren’t?!

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Boys

When a Guy Says He Wants to Date an Independent Woman…

The other night I was out with a friend and we started talking about dating. My friend is very independent and an all around bad ass. She’s not actively dating. It’s not the focus. She’s busy working two jobs, putting herself through school, going to the gym, keeping up with friends, etc. Like I said, she’s an all around bad ass. But, she was telling me that even though it’s not her immediate concern, there are times when she worries that she won’t find someone. Ever.

I get it. I think we all do.

So when we talked more about what she was looking for, she said she didn’t exactly know (I told her to make a list) but she mentioned that she’s found that no matter how much a guy says he wants to date an independent lady, he doesn’t. And I couldn’t disagree.

Early last May I went out with this guy who when we were texting made it seem like he was all about dating women who had their own things going on. It worked for me. But when we met, I started noticing things that pointed in the complete opposite direction. We went out twice in one weekend. That was a huge deal for me because it’s not something I typically do, but after the first date – a lunch date that only lasted an hour – I hadn’t quite figured out if I did or didn’t want to see him again. The weird thing I should have picked up on, was that at the end of lunch when I offered to split the bill, he asked me if we were on a date. And when I said yes, he said, “well, then I’ll pay.”

On our second date (two days later), we went to watch a game at a sports bar and got chicken wings. Somehow whether or not I was confident came up (after he said he was equal parts cocky, confident, and humble #eyeroll) and while I do think I’m a pretty confident person, he basically kept asking questions that implied that I wasn’t or that I shouldn’t be as confident as I am. Note to guys who give backhanded compliments: You’re shitty if you’re purposefully trying to make a girl feel less than she is.

Again, he insisted on paying. At the end of the date I went to Google Map the best way to get home. I mentioned that my phone battery was low, and he offered his phone for me to use. I nearly said yes, but he said… and I quote…”I want you to be dependent on me”. WHAT? Not only was it creepy and weird, but it completely went against the sort of relationship we both seemed interested in: two adults whose lives intersect.

The more I think about it, and the more my friend and I talked about it, we realized that most of the time, when a guy says he’s looking to date an independent woman, he doesn’t really mean it. What he means is that when he wants to do his own thing, he wants a girl to do her own thing. But when he wants to hang out, she should be there. And if she can’t do her own thing… well, then she’s “crazy”. When she sends too many texts, wants to hang out all the time, and insists on making plans. But the thing is…those are completely normal things.

So if you’re an independent woman like Beyoncé, Kelly, and Michelle, you’ll know a guy is ready for your jelly if:

  1. He doesn’t need to be texting/talking constantly.
  2. He’s cool with you fitting him into your busy life and even tries to make plans in advance that work with both your schedules.
  3. He doesn’t get offended when you offer to pay and even lets you split the bill (who doesn’t want to save money not covering food and booze for another person?).

Now, I also want to say that guys aren’t the only culprits here. We do it too. My friend said that while she wants to be independent, she knows that sometimes she wants to be taken care of. There’s a fine balance and nothing is black and white.

The bottom line is: it’s important to understand what you’re looking for in a relationship, and if it’s in sync with what the other person is looking for. If you’re looking to maintain your independence, great! But relationships do require open and honest communicaiton and at times compromise – as long as you’re not compromising yourself or your values. And if you do realize that the guy you’re seeing isn’t respecting your ability to be indepentent… well then maybe that’s a dealbreaker.

Body

When Happiness Can be a Choice…

This week was tough for me. I accepted a new job last week (yay!) and gave my two weeks notice. Which means I’m very excited but also very stressed because I feel like I have so much to do. I worked late and worked through lunch nearly day. I was exhausted.

I felt like I didn’t have time to do anything else, especially go to the gym. But worse than the negative impact on my physical fitness, was just how mentally and emotional drained I was feeling. I’m not quite sure it was even a conscience thing, but the anxiety dreams sure didn’t make things better.

I knew that actually going to the gym, or taking some time to myself, unwinding, and trying to relax, would help me but the priority was getting things done! On Thursday my sister insisted that we go to yoga.

I hadn’t been in two weeks and my left ankle wasn’t about the poses. But I was able to focus on my breathing and even had a few seamless transitions into downward dog with an extended leg (big deal for me because I’m not a very coordinated or smooth person). By the middle of the class I felt great, and I was having fun. I laughed at myself for almost falling twice and really got into the rhythm of the flow.

Just before we got to the part of the class where we just lay down and sleep, the instructor said something that really hit me. She said:

Happiness can be a choice.

Of course there are many people in the world who cannot choose to be happy every day because of depression or anxiety or other circumstances. But I can choose to be happy. And I wasn’t.

I had let the stress get the best of be and began to feed on it, becoming more stressed and tired and moody. I was choosing to focus on the negative and not even take time or put in the effort to help myself by taking a break at lunch, going to the gym, and going home with a clear head. I was choosing to not be happy. And it was negatively impacting my body.

I got home after yoga and despite the fact that I totally reeked, I felt great. And I slept wonderfully. And Friday morning when I woke up, I decided to start the day in a positive way by looking at pictures of dogs on the Internet for twenty minutes before getting out of bed (My favorite is below).

So when happiness can be a choice:

  • Remind yourself that things will get better.
  • Try to put things into perspective. Where will being stressed/angry/etc. get you? Is it worth it? What’s the worst that could happen if xyz doesn’t happen? What’s the worst that could happen if xyz does? I guarantee you the world won’t explode.
  • Do something to break out of your gloom. Yoga? Workout? Go out to eat and eat all the amazing pasta and creme brûlée like I did on Tuesday night? Do it! You have the time.
  • Start the day on a positive note. Eat a bomb breakfast. Meet someone out for breakfast! Sit and enjoy a nice cup of tea or coffee on your comfortable couch (I have a futon so it’s not that comfy). Or if you can, don’t set an alarm and let yourself sleep in.
  • Treat yourself! To something that you enjoy. Sushi lunch? Yes! Manicure? Why not?!!
  • Get off your phone for a second and enjoy the little things. Step out into the sun and bask in it for a bit. It’s winter so it’s rare. Notice the birds singing or the shape of the clouds in the sky. The world is kind of amazing when we take the time to notice it.
  • Bonus: Look at pictures of cute dogs or animals. Or if you’re lucky and have a cute dog or animal (my cat won’t cuddle), get them to help cheer you up. Did you know that dogs learned how to smile from us?! Like through evolution?! Like they smile because we smile!! They love us that much. I could cry. (Fun fact from my coworker/friend who has the cutest old man dog named Marshall).

Again, I understand for some people it’s not a choice, but for many of us it can be. And making that choice when we’re getting sucked into our own black hole of stress and frustration and exhaustion, is a really important thing to do. For us.

(The other dog pictures I love)

look at his little tongue!

look at his ears!

look at his little paws!!

look at his smile! He’s so happy!!!

Booze

From Gin to Bourbon, and Beyond!

I’m back to drinking gin. #Shocking, I know… but actually I haven’t been drinking much lately. It’s the stress (I’ve accepted a new job. Yay! And given my notice. Eek!) So I’ve replaced alcohol with food… and the one major downside is not having fun drinks to talk about here. Luckily, my sister has risen to the task!

Last night we went out to dinner at my new favorite place: Sulmona. I went with Coach the night of our awkward car first kiss, and just had to go back. The food is AMAZING! My sister and I got the daily arancini and the lamb kabob appetizer. And our meals. Whatever we were celebrating my new job. She got the linguine and clams and I got the wild boar ragú. I’ve literally never gotten anything else there and I’ve been 3 times. I didn’t take a picture though I should have.

So their drink list is awesome. For someone like me who is rarely a whiskey drinker. It’s clear liquor heavy with two bourbon drinks. Of course, I got gin.

My drink: the CU2 (or as I said CU squared since I’m a secret math/physics nerd) was basically a G&T with a cucumber twist… that’s where the CU comes in. It was delicious and as part of the presentation, it’s made with – frozen cube of cucumber that swims with its ice cube friends.

After my sister downed her first drink – the Roman Republic, she decided she wanted to be a princess and have our waiter slash bartender Josh make her something less sweet but still with bourbon. He accepted the challenge and came back with a Orange Ginius made with bourbon. I tasted it and despite my usual dislike for most bourbon drinks, it was decent.

My sister loved it. It’s made with Lilet and Aperol, which are basically her favorite apéritifs (traditionally they are a low-proof alcohol used to stimulate digestion and appetite before and/or a meal). In this drink they enhance the flavor.

Definitely recommend Sulmona. Food and drink are seriously soooo good. If I keep going back, maybe I’ll get something that isn’t the wild boar ragú and Josh will convince me to start drinking bourbon drinks too… that would actually be shocking.

Boys

Making a List, and Checking it Twice…

I know the holidays are long over, and if you still have your decorations up now that it’s February, you need to get your act together! When I say “making a list”, I’m not talking your about Christmas list, or if you’ve been good or bad. I’m talking about relationships and making a list to help you get what you want.

See, we make lists every day. We make them to go to the grocery store, to plan our tasks at work, to keep us aware of social obligations, to budget. The list goes on and on. Lists help to facilitate idea generation, organize thoughts, and keep track of progress. So why not make a list when it comes to finding someone to spend the rest of your life with (or at least date for a bit)?

Now before I go on, I want to clarify that I do not mean a long checklist of criteria that you’ll hold all your potential suitors to. That sort of list is often times unrealistic and limiting, and therefore unnecessary.  And unless you yourself can check off all those boxes, you have no right to expect your future significant other to do so. As my mother says, it’s not fair to hold someone else to expectations that you can’t even meet yourself.

The list I’m talking about is one that will allow you to put shit into perspective and focus in on what it is you’re actually looking for. It will help you decide what is a necessity when it comes to your perfect match, and what would just be nice to have. It will help you figure out what it is that you want. And that’s the first step isn’t it?

If you don’t know what you want, then what exactly are you even doing looking?

I made my list right before I turned 25. I’d been single for literally ever. I was making the same mistakes over and over again when it came to my relationships – or really, my almost relationships. I was having a quarter-life crisis and thought I needed to figure out what I was doing with my life. For some reason, instead of focusing the fact that I had a job and roommates that sometimes drove me crazy, I thought “let me find my answers in a man” (obviously this isn’t the right approach).

I’m a planner. I make lists constantly, and for some reason, making this list just felt right. But, I didn’t rush into it. I spent a few weeks thinking about what it was I wanted when it came to dating. Did I even want to be dating? Yes. Okay, so who did I want to be dating?

I remember keeping a small notebook with me and adding a quality here or there as I became aware that it was something that I wanted. It shocked me that I wanted to date someone who was smart. I’m not sure why, but I guess it had never occurred to me until I was making my list. I also didn’t realize how important it was to me that the person I end up with be family-oriented. My immediate family is close, but I’m not close with much extended family. I continued to add things and take away other things, question the word I chose, and run the list by my close friends.

Eventually I came up with this:

IMG_4112

My list isn’t perfect. I never narrowed things down to just one word. Silly and funny could probably be combined, but it’s a work in progress and it helped me figure out what I want. And Mom, this is not my way of saying that Coach is my soulmate and we’re getting married. Far from it. But I do think that he has all of these qualities.

Looking at the list, I realize that it’s pretty spot on for what I look for in a friend too. I’ve said before that I wouldn’t be romantically involved with someone if I wouldn’t also want them as a friend. It’s the hopeless romantic in me, but I want to be best friends with whoever I end up with. That’s why I always used to fall for my friends.

The thing that was most unexpected in making the list is that doing so helped me realize who I want to be. Not just in a relationship, but for myself. I think that this is also ultimately the reason I’ve been able to open myself up to the possibility of being with someone, because I know I am a person I’d want to be with. And being this person set me up to attract another person with these qualities. Opposites might attract, but birds of a feather…

So drink the Kool-Aid and make your list:

  1. Write down all the qualities/characteristics/attributes you are looking for in a person. Don’t censor yourself here. Tall and handsome are okay to list. It doesn’t mean you’re shallow.
  2. Reflect on the words you’ve chosen. Do you mean “intelligent” when you wrote down “educated”? Does it matter that they are “intelligent” or is it about their passion to learn or for their work? Or their drive?
  3. Review your list. Cross off the characteristics that you can live without. Combine similar qualities or ones that can be grouped to fall under a larger characteristic. Narrow it down to 10-12 words.

When you’re done, rewrite it. Remember it. Put it somewhere safe. Go back and change in a few months or years.

I’m not promising that making a list of what you want will find you the perfect person. No one is perfect, and if that’s what you’re looking for then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. But by making a list of what you want, you figure out what you really want. And then when you’re looking for it, maybe you’ll be able to see it when it buys you a drink at your favorite bar.

Body

Too Much of Something is Bad Enough…

Wise words from Ginger, Posh, Baby, Scary, and Sporty… Spice, that is. And it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about when it comes to all things booze and boys. And when I really think about it, body too.

At the beginning of last week I was feeling good, feeling inspired, and like my next health/weight/fitness goal was within reach. That hasn’t quite changed, but I’ve been faced with something I constantly struggle with when it comes to what I put in my body – or specifically how much I put in my body – when trying to lose weight.

The Spice Girls had another point. One that I think we sometimes forget about: Too much of nothing is just as tough.

And it’s just that. I haven’t been eating enough and it makes things tough. We’re constantly told that eating less is best when trying to lose weight. And it is obviously important, but within reason. Portion control is a must, but calorie restriction isn’t always sustainable. For me, it’s not. Especially not the typical 1,200 calorie diet. I don’t think crash diets work for anyone… at least not long term. And definitely not when exercise is involved.

Looking back at my food log for the past week, I was consuming around 1,300-1,400 calories per day. And I trying to exercise. Thanks to a close call in yoga on Tuesday where I felt like I was going to pass out and then spent the rest of the class in child’s pose, I realized 1,300-1,400 was too few for me. Even though I wasn’t hungry.

I’ve read in the past that when you change your diet drastically or start a new diet, you shouldn’t exercise for the first week to give your body one to adjust a bit. So for the rest of the week I put exercise on hold. Something I wasn’t thrilled about. But with the additional stress I’ve been feeling at work, I knew something had to give.

This coming week I assume my body will have adjusted a little to having salads for lunch and lower carb dinners and I’ll be more comfortable exercising. That said, I still need to get a handle on how many calories I need with no additional activity and how many calories I need when I exercise. Obviously the latter is more but I always have a hard time finding the sweet spot.

If you’re struggling with this too:

Keep a healthy snack or two or three around for when you’re feeling like you haven’t eaten enough. Even if you’re not technically hungry. I think a big part of weight loss is psychological so we tell ourselves that in order to lose weight we should feel hungry. Not the case.

Figure out how many calories you should be consuming on a daily basis based on your age, weight, and activity level. I’m not a doctor or a scientist so I can only suggest that you spend some time Googling this and or making an appointment with a nutritionist.

Look into protein shakes. Some people hate them. Personally I don’t want water and powder that tastes like cookies n cream. But I might have to get back into protein shakes (coffee flavored obviously). They were my saving grace in the first few months of my weight loss journey back in 2016 and helped me drop the first 20lbs.

And remember that too much of nothing is just as tough – if not tougher! Listen to your body! When we trigger starvation mode by eating too little, our bodies are going to fight back. And while you may lose some weight, it’s not sustainable in the long term. And bottom line is, it’s not healthy.

Boys

When You’re Dating a Bad Texter…

As we all know, I’m not seeing anyone besides Coach right now. I’ve gone back and forth on if I want to meet other people and I don’t. And it’s not just that I’m lazy (I am). That said, there have been a few times over the last two weeks where I’ve questioned if he’s really interested… because of the way he texts.

See, he responds fine when we do text, but sometimes the conversation feels one sided (my side) with lots of one word answers or disjointed messages from him even if he was the one that started the conversation. And sometimes I get confused about what we’re talking about, misread his tone, and/or he seems completely disinterested. Cue internal alarm bells.

Normally I would take this as a sign to cut off communication – He’s not interested, so why am I wasting my time? Plus, I don’t want to come across too eager or needy. HOWEVER, in the few times he and I have talked on the phone, things are fine. And while he doesn’t talk as much as I do (who does?), we never seem to run out of things to talk about when we are together. SO, I’m going to chalk up the text issue to a condition many people suffer from, something I’ve decided to call Maltextitis.

Symptoms of maltextitis (bad texter disease) include one word responses, long pauses in conversation – up to a few days even, and texts that don’t seem to have a developed or positive text tone (y’all know what I’m talking about). Coach definitely has maltextitis.

So what do you do when you’re dating someone who sucks at texting?

First: chill. And remind yourself that they are just a bad texter and it has nothing to do with you or their interest in you. People are busy and it’s probably a good thing he’s not on his phone 24/7. If he were, he’d be glued to it instead of to you when you’re together. And that, my friend, is never fun. It can also lead to suspicion about what he’s doing on his phone and who he’s messaging. Don’t go there.

Second: express a desire for better communication. If that means you start talking on the phone, do it. I know we’re not a phone call generation, but as my mother tells me, it’s a great way to get to know someone and stay connected when you’re apart. Shocking, I know. At least we’re not trying to talk to someone on a phone with a cord like our parents did. Other options include: Snapchat (though imho this is the lowest form of communication), Facebook, or even Gchat while you’re both at work (we all have that open so don’t play).

Tres: Figure out how he does express himself, make a note of it, and subtly encourage it. Coach told me yesterday that he was thinking about me all day but was busy and didn’t want to text me if he couldn’t keep a conversation. It was very sweet and I was kind of disappointed I didn’t get a cute check in text. I told him that “Thinking of you” texts are fine by me. (And as I said this, I gagged a little and then went back to smiling).

Lastly, if you’re really looking for constant contact, maybe a bad texter isn’t right for you. Communication is key in a relationship and if their slow response rate really doesn’t work for you, you might just have to find someone who is on the same page as you text-wise. In general, I don’t think being a bad texter is a deal breaker, but I don’t think people change their texting ways.

So there you have it. If you ask me, texting is for checking in and making plans. Beyond that, just spend time together.

Booze

Putin and Pizza – A Perfect Pair

Last night my sister and I went to Puritan & Company, a bar slash restaurant in Inman Square (Cambridge), for their Thursday night deal: a free personal pizza with purchase of a drink. Between 9pm and 10pm only.

It’s always a nice way to close out a week and who says no to free pizza?

We hadn’t been for a bit so their drink menu had changed. It’s a always a good menu, and unlike some other bars I like to go to, I can always find something on their cocktail list that catches my eye. Last night was no different and I ordered Putin’s Afro.

The drink itself is a little different. And honestly I don’t know what I was expecting with a name like that. But of course with a coffee soda base, I had to have it. And with the vanilla that came through in the rum, the drink kind of reminded me of an adult version of cream soda. Which I absolutely loved as a kid but for some reason always got root beer instead! Oh nostalgia.

I may or may not have had two of them despite it being after 9pm and close to what time my phone says I should go to bed.

The drink itself is one of Puritan’s pre-made bottled cocktails. It comes in this cute little bottle and the bartender simply pours it over ice and leaves the bottle for you to top yourself off. I’d had their gin and tonic one in the past, and while it’s good, I would take Putin’s Afro over the G&T any day (and y’all know how I feel about gin!)

Putin’s Afro is not super bubbly – which is ideal because sometimes soda based drinks make me super gassy – and the vanilla rum is really good and refreshing. It’s called Mad River Vanilla Rum and is distilled and bottled in Vermont. BUT, it’s sold just down the street from Puritan. Exact location TBD, but I will be purchasing myself a bottle or two ASAP.

Puritan’s bar manager, Justin, creates the drink, and I think all of the drinks. We talked a bit about the bottles cocktails and I asked if I could buy a six pack (they are really that good). I imagine drinking this instead of iced coffee on the beach in the summer, or basically all year round. In tumbler mugs. In public. #kidding

The answer is not now, but that’s the hope in the future. I seriously can’t wait.

If you’re in the neighborhood and want a good drink, I highly recommend. Even if it’s not free pizza night (which is Thursdays from 9-10 for those of you who only care about pizza. Check their social media for the rare occasions it is canceled).

Booze, Boys

Is it Ever Okay to Show up Intoxicated to a Date?

I’ve been talking to my friend about a date she went on over the weekend. It was a first date and she met the guy on a dating app. They met up at a Mexican restaurant in Cambridge, hung out there and then ended up going to another bar nearby for drinks and appetizers. Sounds like a good date to me.

Apparently it wasn’t.

While the guy himself sounds like he was okay – aside from how loud he talked – the problem seems to be that he was… as she put, “tipsy”, and as I’m inferring, drunk. He was overly enthusiastic the whole time they were together, and asked her the same question four to five times. He even invited her to pregame and hang out with his friends later on that night…

What’s the big deal? We all have a drink or two (or more) on a date. It helps with nerves, makes us looser and more agreeable, and sometimes even more interesting. Sometimes. But I’d like to point out that these things are often times our own perception of our behavior. Someone else might see us as a loud, drunk person stumbling all over ourselves. And I will be the first to say: That’s not attractive.

I remember when I first started dating in the modern world of swiping, I would have two or three drinks on the date. It made me more comfortable and as a person who is sometimes uptight, it helped when meeting new people. But I will say none of those dates ever resulted in more than one or two dates.

And now that I think about it, a guy I went on a date with in December actually came to our date stoned. It was a first date. While we were at dinner, he told me he had smoked not one, but two blunts before before meeting me. The date was fine, and I forgot that he wasn’t sober and looked past a few things that later I would realize were red flags. I would’ve gone out with him again but he turned into a crazy person over text a few days later.

So (Carrie Bradshaw voice) is it ever okay to show up intoxicated to a date?

There’s a pretty big difference between having a few drinks during the span of a date and pregaming the date itself. From what I can tell, pregaming the date is exactly what this guy my friend went out with did. That is not okay. And needless to say, my friend was not impressed.

I’m going to go with no… and here’s why.

Taking the edge off is one thing, but there is certain behavior we tend to revert to when we’re drunk or stoned. Talking very loudly is kind of awkward and can make the other person uncomfortable. Of course drunk behavior is all very individual (I get responsible and flirty), but if you’re trying to put your best foot forward, going intoxicated doesn’t set you up for success because you’re not presenting yourself as you actually are.

When you’re drunk, etc. you’re not able to fully focus on what is going on. If you’re really wanting to connect with the person you’re out with, being drunk and not remembering that you’ve asked them the same question five times is going to make them feel like a) you’re not paying attention and b) you didn’t care enough about the date to be in a state of mind that would actually allow you to connect.

Lastly, if you wouldn’t want someone to arrive under the influence to a date with you, you should definitely not show up to a date drunk or high. The nice thing about grabbing a drink or two with someone you’ve been talking to on a dating app, or met in the coffee shop, is that you’re in this weird dating thing together. You’re both nervous and if anything, you should get drunk together, bond over margaritas, and tell each other embarrassing stories from when you were in middle school and only wore black and pink and for some reason arm warmers.