If You Don’t Have a Vice, I Can’t Date You.

I’m not talking hard core drug use or a gambling addiction… but I genuinely find it weird when people don’t drink coffee or alcohol. Like… please pick one. It’s good for you to enjoy something bad for you. When it comes to dating, if I’ve been talking to someone on an app and suggest to meet for coffee, I expect them to drink coffee. Up until a little over a year ago, I hadn’t been aware that not everyone saw this as a requirement.

Around that time I had been talking to this guy on Hinge. I think we’d matched on other dating apps, but we hadn’t every really talked and definitely never got to the point of meeting. So this time, I sent him a message and after a bit of friendly chatter, we decided to meet up. For coffee.

It’s important to note that:

  1. I am one of those people that actually really likes the flavor of coffee. I was obsessed with coffee milk as a kid. My favorite ice creams are coffee based. And after the typical sugary coffee drink stage that everyone goes through in middle and high school, I started drinking my coffee black. Like my heart. Kidding…
  2. I typically view first dates as “meetings”. This probably has come about as a result of our current dating culture and norms where we actually are meeting someone we do not know. To me, this first meeting isn’t a date. It’s like a meet and greet. If we decide we want to go out again, then we can count that as a date. When I’m first meeting someone I’m just trying to figure out if you’re a decent enough person to go out with again. I’m definitely not thinking I want to marry you… or 99% of the time even if I’m attracted to you.

(Slight side bar: I think this is where men and women differ. Because men are so visually stimulated, they likely know if they want to have sex with you before they even meet you. Us ladies on the other hand… while there are definitely guys out there we are all about, most of the time the attraction is based more on personality than looks.)

Anyways… so this guy agreed to meet me for coffee. We planned to meet at a place near Boston Common and me being me, I arrived early and bought myself a cappuccino – because I was feeling fancy. He comes in a little later, sees me and then goes to order. I watch the man struggle – so much so that a line started to form behind him – and eventually order an iced mocha latte.

Well, I’ll be the first to admit that I judge people based on their coffee orders. Sue me.

We got our drinks and I suggested that we walk around the Common and chat (that’s my go to btw). After maybe like 10 minutes I notice that he hadn’t taken even one sip of his iced mocha latte. He is simply using it as a prop. So, I ask him if there is something wrong with it. He tells me he doesn’t drink coffee.

I may or may not have stopped short and looked at him with a contorted facial expression that was a mix between judgement and confusion. Why had he agreed to get coffee if he didn’t drink coffee?! And… why hadn’t he just ordered tea? Coffee shops serve tea! I ask him these questions in a tone I hope is more concerned that judgmental. He shrugs and finally takes a giant sip of the drink. Andddd winces. I’m sure it was gross. I watched him put like 5 sugar packets in it.

He takes two more sips of it before I grab it from him and throw it in a nearby trashcan. We keep walking. Eventually he tells me that he doesn’t drink alcohol either. I try to make a joke and ask him if he has any vices. It gets awkward. Mostly because he then tells me he’s a personal trainer and starts telling me different things I could do if I were interested in getting into better shape… k.

After a little bit longer, I tell him I have to go meet my sister for dinner and we do an awkward hug goodbye. On the train home, I get a text from him that says “Hey, are you sure you’re 5′ 10”? You seemed taller.” Again… k.

While of course this date made me realize just how weird men are about height (women get all this shit for only dating tall guys or whatever… but sorry you said you were 6 feet on your profile when you’re really only 5′ 11″), it also made me realize that while I don’t need to be sooo judgmental when people don’t drink coffee… but if they also don’t drink alcohol, I want nothing to do with them.

Not that there is anything wrong with people who don’t drink coffee and alcohol, but because both are such a big part of my life, I’d like to be able to have that weird little insignificant connection with the person I’m dating. Couples that are hyper/hungover together, stay together. And in the world of vices, coffee and alcohol are like the least concerning…

Oh, what’s so weird is that I saw this guy like six months later on the bus. And I swear to Beyonce that he knew who I was because he pulled up his hood and took out his earbuds. And I’m 99% sure he spent the bus ride listening to the conversation I was having with my friend. Sooo maybe eavesdropping is his vice… who knows!


2 thoughts on “If You Don’t Have a Vice, I Can’t Date You.

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