Let’s Talk First Kisses

So I had a date last night with the guy who had said it was too cold. I know, I know, why go out with him again? Well not that it’s any of your business but I’m the type of woman than sometimes makes the same mistake not twice, but three times. Lucky for me, seeing him again was not a mistake.

Anyways, it was our third date and it went well. He’s hard to read, which I found frustrating because normally guys tell me that. After dinner and dessert and just hanging out at the restaurant (Sulmona in Kendall Square…their pasta is amazing), he offered me a ride home and when we arrived, he parked. I panicked.

Why? Because first kisses in a car are always awkward!

A) How do I know if they don’t just want me to get out so they can go home?! I’ve definitely been in the driver position and had someone just linger and it’s like “bro, I’m wasting gas right now idling and do you know how bad idling is for the environment?!” People that linger for unwanted car kisses are the cause of global warming.

B) When you choose to have a car kiss, no matter what seat you’re in, if you initiate you have to like contort into a weird position to stretch your body and neck across the middle console and then like hold yourself up there with your nonexistent core strength.

Seriously, if you’ve had a first kiss in a car that hasn’t been awkward please tell me the trick.

That said, first kisses in general are awkward as fuck. Unless you’re drunk and then they are just 70% booze flavored saliva and 30% regret and 100% sloppy. And Princess Diaries ruined my first kiss expectations forever. I want that foot pop!

To reflect, here are a few of my memorable first kisses.

Obviously The Moaner ranks pretty high up on the “wow that was slightly uncomfortable” to “ugh please allow me to never see you again for both our sakes” scale, but here are a few others:

1. Pretty early on in my adult dating experience, I matched with a guy on a dating app (actually Hinge tyvm) and somehow he convinced me to bring a friend and meet him and his friend for a drink downtown. I forced my then roommate to go with. He and I hit it off okay but like not enough for me to actually ever want to see him again. We all decided to leave the bar and he kept trying to get me to go get another drink with just him. Sticking to girl code, I told him I had to make sure my roommate got home. On our walk from the bar to the train station, in an area of the street that was under construction, he grabbed my hand and pulled me back toward him. It was a guy move straight out of a romcom and I was slightly impressed. And then I tripped, nearly ate it, and tried to recover. He still kissed me but it was definitely awkward and my inner 12 year old would have written into GirlsLife about it.

2. I’d gone out with this guy on a second date even though I was feeling under the weather. I actually told him I wasn’t feeling great and even though I didn’t tell him I had crazy mucus and was definitely getting sick, I thought he understood that I was not trying to swap spit. Apparently he did not. After dinner he insisted on walking me toward the train station (not to it, but in the general direction of it) and once we got to where I could venture on alone, I gave him a hug. I’d like to think a hug is an appropriate farewell for someone who was full of phlegm. As I pulled away, he shoved his tongue in my mouth. Lovely. I remember being taken aback but also felt like pulling away would send the message that I wasn’t interested, and at the time I wasn’t not interested. I did the best I could to try to transition the kiss away from full on tonsil hockey. As I think back on it, the most awkward part was that I did all this thinking with my eyes open during the kiss. We ended up going out again and he disclosed to me that he had been engaged before (to a girl he knew through family) and somehow I guessed that his fiancée left him for another woman. We did not go out again.

3. This guy I was kind of (?) seeing last summer and I had gone out a few times before grabbing a drink after a class I was taking. At the bar he was doing the totally normal thing of initiating physical contact through arm touching and hand holding, etc. (things I also find super awkward because I’m me) so when we left the bar I was expecting him to kiss me. He asked me where I was heading and then told me it was out of his way to drive me home #Obviously. So I called an Uber. Longest Uber wait ever. I stood leaning against a wall trying to be not so weird and also to set him up for a very easy (and also straight out of a romcom) kiss. He just stood where he was, looking at me until my Uber arrived. I went to give him a hug and basically tried to pull a move one of my friends swears by to get a guy to kiss you. It kind of worked and we had our first kiss. He then offered to drive me home. I laughed in his face. We hung out a few more times before exchanging the most passive aggressive text messages and never speaking again. PSA: if your last text to him was👌🏽 and he responds with a 👍🏽, you both just told each other to fuck off.

Back to the car situation… So to deal with my immense discomfort and sheer lack of gonads to actually just kiss him, I told him that I so dislike this situation, did a big dramatic hand gesture that I thought specified the car kiss situation, and launched into a story about why I dislike the situation using vague examples from past dates. Cool, calm, and collected, I know.

And you know what he did? He straight up listened to me speak. For a good five minutes. Eventually I just had to stop myself by saying (mostly to myself) that I talk too much. Once I stopped talking, he said “okay” and kissed me.

It was decent but first kisses are still awkward. Or is it just me that’s awkward…?


13 thoughts on “Let’s Talk First Kisses

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